‘The Bachelorette’ finale recap: A three-hour horror movie

so long farewell, ByeAnd a season’s goodbye to a baby bitch’s back The Bachelorette, Thanks to former contestant Ethan-and absolutely none and nothing else in season 19-For bless us with that action, All I said was that this season won’t let it hit the door where the producers split it as they go about the novelty of a two-Bachelorette season without the hard work of restructuring their 20-year system to accommodate such cynicism. wanted. , but even HeCouldn’t , Season 19; Tuesday night’s finale somehow spread Three hoursIn spite of the fact that this continuing calamity, To The Bacheloretteown marketing departmentExpiring upwards of three weeks now.

but you know what those others are closing installment was not passed? Jesse Palmer introduces entirely new plot points that have no basis in this season’s source material, with no references. “Maybe tonight, Tino can explain to Rachel that her indiscretions were just a momentary lapse in judgment,” Jesse says at the top of the episode, before we officially hear of any such indiscretions. “Maybe Erich can explain those hurtful text messages he sent to his girlfriend a few days before exiting the limo at night 1,” Jesse tells us, the guys who just sat down to watch the three-hour finale and apparently were on Too Unassigned summer reading is expected to take place.

I’ve never really seen Bachelorette) final start in the media, and I was so obsessed with Jesse immediately spoiling the upcoming drama that I had to stop my TV to make sure I was watching the beginning of the episode. if this season The Bachelorette Proves anything, however, is that there is no substitute for a solid team of copy editors… not even a team of Bachelorettes.

they did At least kick off all the “most dramatic season finale ever” stuff later this week Perhaps receiving constructive criticism Seeing Rachel sitting on stage looking like she was preparing to eat a glass bowl wasn’t exactly the drama we were longing for. Rachel was While still on stage, it looked like she was hatching a dozen rotten eggs forced to bird box His utterly disastrous ending… but at least in this final installment, The Bachelorette It was a little more straightforward about what’s coming. “This season has been really brutal for both Rachel and Gabby,” Jesse says inside a dimly lit studio. “And now it looks like the two women are a million miles away.” That’s a stab at honesty Teeters On admitting guilt…

But in every other way, Jesse’s premature warning gives this finale the distinct feeling of a poorly plotted, three-hour horror movie. Because, as it should, the episode eventually makes its way to Tino to propose to Rachel: a proposal we’ve already been told is doomed, but is still to be seen because Tino is a mis-advised fake. -out that he is No Going to propose—the lowest form of propositional humour. Tino and Rachel leave, keeping the show busy, at which point Jesse prompts an in-studio version of Rachel to tell us what happened next. She says that they had some good times and some bad times during their long-distance engagement, but eventually, during one of their “happy couple” weekends, Tino sheds light on ominous things about “past relationships”. About to come in. Rachel then revealed that, while their own relationship was in bad shape – but it certainly wasn’t over! – Tino kissed another woman and didn’t tell Rachel about it until they had already spent a whole weekend together.

The only feature of this finale is Gabby coming to console Rachel before she first encounters Tino in person, where she advises Rachel to kick in the balls at her first opportunity. Instead, Rachel lets Tino through the door when he arrives, as if he’s an alcoholic and/or just out of a catering gig. Hilariously, he is carrying a small, mysterious notebook with him. Looks like this guy watched a season of Potomac. the real housewives and thought he was ready to wield a receipt binder, reader, hey was not, And Rachel agrees, with a much stronger hold to her crystal-clear memories and more dominant personality. he is Furious When Tino begins to read excerpts from his journal about the things he had said to her that made him feel insecure about their relationship during the time he cheated. Rachel tells him that he is not making any reference to her statements about giving back the ring or falling out of love because he wants to make her look bad and make herself look better. and Tino tells Rachel That he… needs to go out.

During this conversation Tino can barely see Rachel, let alone talk, and she really Can’t sit still. He leaves the conversation in an increasingly desperate attempt to turn off his mic, until Rachel eventually finds him in the yard, shirt half off, very suspiciously Hanging up a phone call…

screenshot via abc

it is, uh, Deep Unique. And if you’re hoping for more clarity from Rachel and Tino after you sit down, better luck next time, after Final Rose with Jesse. Because Rachel’s stated goal is for her to apologize and respond to what really happened—but every time Tino tries to make a reference or apologize, she feels that she’s giving up on her indiscretion. trying to promote. His, To quote JoJo, I think it’s too little, too late for Tino’s apologies. After all, no one is contractually obligated to forgive anyone on the AFR platform. And that’s a good thing, because The Bachelorette A truly unforgivable level of discomfort creates when they eventually bring out silver-place-medallist Aven to sweep Rachel offstage with a request to “get out of here and catch up.” While Tino is still sitting thereLooking at Rachel’s eyes with joy.

If you’re thinking, YesIt all really puts a damper on the second hour of the finale in which Gabby and Erich actually Doing Get engaged and get on the AFR platform and be very happy about it. good for them! Gabby says a lot of beautiful things about love and self-worth in her otherworldly cat voice. It basically uses going on the show as an easy excuse to break up with her, And he admits that was cowardly and deceptive. Eric Not there Explain that a lot of grosser recently did blackface in high school because, well, The Bachelorette never asks him. ,Eric apologized for the photo on his Instagram last week,

no it was just there’s no time, only with what a full hour What’s left for the finale’s most inexplicable disclosure ever: Zack Shawlcross is the next Bachelor.

wait, you don’t remember zachu, Tall, square-jawed, 26-year-old white man with an indecisive but seemingly inoffensive personality? Dated Rachel? you knowHe’s a tech executive with teeth and arms? come on you essential Remember Zach—family is everything to him and he has a Social Security number? he makes sentences with nouns And Action? He finished third after a suspiciously bad fantasy suit date?? his uncle is crony,

The scathing reaction to Zach becoming the next lead isn’t on Zach, it’s on the franchise—picking such a typical Bachelor lead when he’s done nothing to set himself apart is frustrating to be tall and white. We can all watch Zach’s sizzle reelAnd it’s so soft it looks like they took it straight from respectively Title Sequence – This man is about to exit the Bachelor mansion wearing a propeller cap. After announcing Zach as the next Bachelor, Jesse made a joke that he was “just glad the Bachelor doesn’t look like me once.” What an absurdity to say—this man looks like him—that it even falls flat AFR Viewerwho are caught in such a frenzy of emotions that they will react to basically anything…

Anything but this. It’s a shocking ending to a shocking season, made all the more shocking by the fact that its failure doesn’t dampen my enthusiasm. bachelor in heaven one piece. Bring these guys back to a beach, get them a spiced margarita, and for goodness sake, take Rachel off the set.

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